all time low.

i'm an island. by my definition, an island is always alone, surrounded by nothingness. doesn't it amaze you that one can feel so alone even in the midst of other people? i definitely felt this way today, for 4 hours. i felt so depressed that the usual me who loves to laugh, cannot even manage a smile at jokes. this is vastly different from the aftermath of senior camp. many times i pretend to yawn, to mask the tears in my eyes. the ultimate fear of rejection coupled with loneliness and indifference.

sometimes, you try your best to your job well, yet you meet with a brick wall, and doors slam shut right in your face. yet you have to answer to the top, and in the meantime, meet with repulsion from below. what should you do? what CAN you do? i really hate rejection. i don't take rejection well. mayhap that is the reason why i can be aloof at times, and maybe explain why i have such a fierce face. and i took it personally when my calls get ignored.

the responsibility of calling people up for canvassing poses a stress on me which no one can explain. i fear that i offend them. i fear they give me crap excuses which i cannot rebut. i fear i cannot get a single person to agree. i fear my incessant calls irritate. i fear i cannot answer to the top. so many fears...so much stress. i guess i have a low stress threshold.

what z said was true. different people react differently to situations. some people tend to have a worse view of things, which could be due to character, past experiences or impressions. sometimes we must take criticisms in our stride, and continue to work hard towards what we believe in and committed in from the beginning. and i thank both of you, for making me feel a whole lot better, for making me see the light at the end of this soon-to-end tunnel.


ps. to my dear friends (c, v and a) who noticed my super duper black face..thanks, and to my darling ange too..thanks